Loss, Relief...and Celebration

I attached this picture because I love the stained glass heart. I got it at the Captivating Retreat. Dennis and I both have bookshelf lamps and I attached the heart on the knob of the lamp. Every morning and every evening when I turn the light on or off...there is the heart.

My grandmother, Nanny, died yesterday. I wish I had something beautiful or profound to say, but really I would do a complete injustice to all that I have experienced with her.

In truth I have had some of the most important experiences of my life with her. My Nanny developed Alzheimer's in her early 50's. She was 75 when she passed. That's a long time. In a span of nearly 25 years I have had the opportunity to serve her--to watch my mother server her-- in ways that have shaped my life. There is a humility that comes when you serve someone who depends on you...when they cannot do it themselves...when they can't tell you what they feel or what they need. And while this sounds like taking care of an infant (which sometimes it was a little like that) there is something more humbling still to do this for an adult. To watch the years on their face as you help them eat, clean them up, brush their hair--it makes you feel small. It made me reach outside of myself for help...for God's grace when I couldn't understand what she needed, when I was tired or afraid.

Our hearts are so valuable. The last thing Nanny spoke to me that made any kind of sense was about Jesus. While her mind was going--her heart knew. She said she was so grateful that He loved her and that the only reason we were able to love was because He loved us.

Yesterday I felt the most bizarre combination of emotion. It swept over me like a hurried breeze. Sadness over her loss. Relief that she would hurt no more. And celebration of her being with her God--Who loves her.